


Reflection

by a_court_of_feysand11



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Cousins, F/M, Gen, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:04:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9056512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_court_of_feysand11/pseuds/a_court_of_feysand11
Summary: ReflectionSummary: Mor is reflecting on her past abuse from her father. She thinks about her old fears and weakness and looks at how far she has come.





	

“Come on Mor, let’s just go for a quick swim,” the rarity of the future High Lord begging was not lost of Mor. He had been trying to get her in the water for the better part of an hour but Mor was firmly holding her ground.

“I can’t. I didn’t bring anything to swim in,” brushing off the request like it was nothing, because to Rhys it was nothing. Nothing but a simple request to cool off from the blistering sun.

It was rare but not unheard of for the Night Court to have heat flashes that could rival that of the summer court.

“I didn’t bring anything either, just swim in your underwear it’s not a big deal,” he was still pushing.

“Rhys!” she snapped angrily, “I can’t. Just drop it”

Grumbling “I don’t know what you’re so scared of,” but he dropped it when he heard the fear in Mor’s voice behind her anger.

_______

“I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

Just looking at her you would never guess that her scars went deeper than the physical.

You would never guess that her confidence was worn as a shield, to protect her from the vulnerability that was ingrained in her from the past.

Thinking back on who she had been on that day sitting by the river with Rhys and who she was now Mor couldn’t help but think that these were two different people. 

Most of her scars from before she had turned her life around were invisible. You couldn’t see the worn tracks her tears had made from crying alone in pain. Th half-moons dug in to her palms when her fear overwhelmed her had long sense healed. Her silent, unsung screams were like burns coating her throat and chest aching to be release in her dreams.

What Feyre had said earlier today, how Feyre wanted her sisters to her Mor’s story had brought many old memories to the surface. Many of these had never been dealt with because they often felt like they would suffocate her if she gave them too much attention. That electricity that coursed through her chest out to her limbs sometimes was so debilitating and would steal the breath from her chest that Mor thought she would combust.

Rhys’s words were floating around in her head even though she hadn’t thought of them in years “I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

What was she still scared of?

_______

The day was progressing slowly. With the heat becoming more and more unbearable time seemed to act like it was struggling to keep moving on through the day. The words her cousin had just said sat between them

“I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

“Rhys?” she choked out.

“Yes Mor,” the words flowed out like the heating was melting his words as they were said.

“I have to talk to you about something,”

“Okay, what’s up?”

“My father hits me.”

_______

“I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

Why was she still scared? Her father hadn’t lain a hand on her, or even spoken to her for that matter, since she had disgraced him and he had left her to die.

As her exterior had grown stronger, as she gained the family she had needed and wanted her anxiety was pushed into a smaller corner of herself. She had thought she was getting better, getting over it but every time she had to see her father she knew this was the furthest thig from the truth she just had gotten better at masking it.

To the world she was strong, confident, vivacious, and full of life.

On the inside she sometimes felt like she was still dying piece by piece. Like her past was a disease working through her slowly.

What was she still scared of?

_______

Looking up startled by this his question practically fell from his lips “What?”

He looked a little sick and startled but mostly angry.

Shaking her head Mor tried to keep the tears from falling but a few managed to slip out.

“What do you mean Mor? What does he do to you?”

“It’s nothing Rhys, forget I mentioned anything” not making eye contact Mor made a move to stand up and go.

Gently he reached up taking her hand “Stop. Let me help you Mor. What’s happening?”

He wasn’t doubting her and that’s what stopped her from leaving. The concern in his eyes nearly brought her to her knees.

Finally, she managed to speak, “What am I scared of?” she started, “I’m scared of my father, someone who is supposed to be there for me unconditionally. I’m scared of his anger and my inability to be good enough for his approval and love. I’m afraid of the pain he inflicts on me. I worry about how I am going to hide the marks he leaves on my skin. I feel like I’m dying and all everyone does is stand around and watch me drown. I feel embarrassed and alone but mostly scared. That’s why I can’t swim Rhys. And now I’m about to get married to someone who will treat me the same was as my father. That’s why I’m scared. What am I not scared of Rhys,” nearly sobbing by the last words she can’t see as Rhys reaches to pull her into a hug.

She flinches but Rhys keeps a hold of her. Hugging her gently, soothing her until her tears stop falling.

“You are worthy of everything and s much more than that. I’ll do whatever I can to help. Come stay with me for a little while in the Illyrian training camp. You can stay with me and my brothers,”

Looking up into her cousin’s eyes Mor started feeling a security that she wasn’t use to “When can we

go?”

_______

“I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

When this was occurring Mor’s biggest fear was the sting of her father’s hand. The painful dig of his words.

Once Rhys had started saving her then her fears changed. She feared that he, or his brothers Cassian and Azriel, would see her the way she saw herself. That they would see her worthlessness and give up on her. They never did though, ever since she went to the Illyrian war camps they had been a solid wall of support saving her from not only her father but herself.

Remembering herself in those camps Mor also remembered that this was where she realized that to get better people could help but she needed to be the one who took control of her life.

_______

“I don’t know what you’re so scared of,”.

Mor knew these old feeling would never be gone completely.

There would always be nightmare. The anxiety would probably never go away forever.

But life was different now. She was now surrounded by a family that would never hurt her. She had become strong. Her cousins third. When she saw her father now she saw fear in his eyes behind his hate.

Looking at Feyre she knew that her scars would never be gone forever but Rhys had a gift at healing and for Feyre’s sake Mor prayed she would let him in.

When she became a part of this family Mor realized she deserved happiness and she wanted Feyre to find this self worth. 

Before she had reached out to her cousin Mors life had been a dark night and Rhys had been the one who started filling it with stars, filling her with hope and love.

Thanks to him, and Cassian and Az, Mor had found value in herself.

She was strong.

Powerful.

Important.

Worth the love she was given.

Someone who was not fearful but feared.

She was no longer a punching bag but a goddess in her own right.

She had found value in herself and she was priceless. She would accept no one else’s version of herself but her own. Mor would not bow to the will of others but stand strong in the face of adversity. 

Thinking back to her own past Mor realized that while sometimes she may still ache and hurt from her scars that she was no longer afraid.


End file.
